How to Win Friends and Influence People

Carnegie opens with the rule most people break every day: don’t criticize, condemn or complain. Criticism puts people on the defensive and sends them looking for excuses; he points out that even notorious criminals rarely blame themselves. It hurts their pride and leaves resentment behind long after the moment has passed. If you want someone to change, criticism is the tool least likely to get you there.

Try it For one day, stop every complaint before you say it, and count how many you caught.

Citing the philosopher John Dewey, Carnegie puts one urge at the center of human nature: the desire to be important. Much of his advice follows from it. Honest appreciation satisfies it; criticism threatens it. He draws a sharp line between appreciation and flattery, though. Appreciation is sincere and freely given, flattery is insincere and self-serving, and people see through it. The principle only works when you mean it.

Try it Tell one person today exactly what you appreciated about something they did.

The third fundamental technique is to arouse an eager want in the other person. Carnegie’s image: you bait a fishing hook with what the fish likes, not with what you like. People act on their own wants, so before you ask for anything, work out what’s in it for them and talk about that. The same idea runs through several later principles, like talking in terms of the other person’s interests.

Try it Before your next request, write down one reason the other person would want to say yes.

None of the six ways to make people like you is about being impressive. Be genuinely interested in others, smile, remember their names, listen and get them talking about themselves, talk about what interests them, and make them feel important. Carnegie’s argument is that real interest in other people wins you far more friends than any effort to get them interested in you.

Try it In your next conversation, ask two follow-up questions before you say anything about yourself.

Even when you win an argument, you lose: the other person feels beaten, resents it and holds on to their view. So Carnegie’s first rule for persuasion is to avoid arguments altogether. Show respect for the other person’s opinion and never tell them flatly that they’re wrong. And if you’re the one who’s wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically; it takes the fight out of the conversation.

Try it Next time you disagree, ask a question about their view before you state yours.

People trust conclusions they reach themselves more than ones handed to them. So start in a friendly way and look for early agreement: each yes makes the next one easier, while an early no is hard to take back. Let the other person do most of the talking, and let them feel the idea is theirs. At work, the same logic favors asking questions over giving orders.

Try it Turn your next instruction into a question, and let the other person shape the answer.

When you need to change someone’s behavior, Carnegie’s leadership principles all protect the other person’s pride. Begin with honest praise, point out mistakes indirectly, mention your own mistakes first and let the person save face. Then praise every improvement, however small, and give them a fine reputation to live up to: treat them as if they already have the quality you want them to develop.

Try it Before correcting someone, name one thing they did well and one mistake you’ve made yourself.